Every Friday I send out a real love letter that I’ve transcribed from a stack I bought at the flea market. Missed one? Check the chronological list.
If love letters aren’t your thing, don’t fret. More View-Master and related content is coming soon (Our anti-hero is on vacation and technically so am I! But I scheduled these letters all the same, and I hope you enjoy them).
April 13, 1961
Dearest Kay,
Word is out. I will recover. My fans are clamoring their congratulations all around the house. Calling my name, calling for me. And they’re bearing all manner of gifts for my bodily and worldly comforts as restitution for my unbearable ordeal of the bed. They love. Mountains of gifts. Things like ropes, braided into pleasing circular designs. Barrels and barrels of fresh tar — to pave the alley, no double. And feathers, tons of feathers, to ease my sleep, I’d wager. And logs, or are they nails, to build a shelter for my graying head. And black snake whips and guns and pitchforks, axes, stakes, knives and all manner of presents. From “My fans.”
Russ is on to us, guys. Suddenly, this is like a horror movie version of the Keanu and Sandy movie The Lake House. A movie I will defend, if it comes to that.
We are in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains and the average altitude is in the vicinity of 98.8 or so. The stock market is falling. We are in a bear market. That has been the reason for my disposition. A bearish disposition to cause a bear reaction of the ol’ graph.
AH. So, he’s on vacation with his parents. And he has talked about nothing but being tarred and feathered and is also somehow worried about the stock market at 20 years old and maybe a college dropout. This guy was born a senior citizen.
Mouseketeer Welsh won’t answer reporter’s questions about his little gang or about the accusations he’s made in the past, principally in his little red book. When confronted with embarrassing and unanswerable questions at diplomatic meetings, it has been the custom for governments such as Communist China, the Soviet Union and Japan during World War II to walk out, especially when asked to explain unjustifiable aggression would the “walk out” be offered as the answer.
So, I’ve done a bunch of Googling on this topic and the only thing I can figure is that he’s talking about Robert W. Welch Jr., the co-founder of the John Birch Society. For those of you lucky enough to not know about it, The Birch Society is an ultra-conservative political advocacy group in the USA that was (probably is?) staunchly anti-communist. They are/were also prone to conspiracy theories about communist plots that involved the Illuminati. Anyway, Welch was in the news a bit in April 1961. There was some discussion of investigating the Birch Society by congress and Welch canceled a press conference because his lawyer told him to stop talking already. But he was a billionaire, and we all know how hard it is to get them to shut up.
It seems to me that extreme rightist organization is a misnomer. They are radical, fanatically so, and are, in a sense, more leftist than a real communist would be. Maybe they’d be better off left unclassified. Sort of like a freak of nature. A bunch of little boys playing government.
Hilarious that even in the 1950s and ‘60s, conservatives were trying to say their own far flank was actually leftist as a way to distance themselves from their crazies. Truly, nothing ever changes.
And now a digression from the national scene. Jack Paar is on again.
These are the asides I live for. Jack Paar hosted The Jack Paar Show, which was a reboot of The Tonight Show after original host Steve Allen left in the late 1950s.
The best part of Paar’s show is the part he does to kill time before the program goes on the entire network. After the show goes on the entire network, Paar tries to give the television audience a real show to watch. And the true Paar personality comes shining through, and the whole program falls apart.
Not entirely sure what he means here, but there have been shows that aired regionally for a portion of the program and then went on to broadcast nationally 30 minutes in? That must be it? But I’m not certain.
Here’s a whole episode from 1962, so you can get a flavor of what Russ was watching. And now Russ riffs on the show’s sponsored spots:
And now time out for a word from our sponsor:
Fade-in to a portrait shot of a Grandma Moses.
“Is your hair dull, lifeless, unmanageable? Do men ignore you in crowds at the subway station and in the men’s room?”
Fade in to: portrait shot of sexy model washing hair, without any visible clothing except soap suds in her hair…
“Then wake up and live and get the full measure out of life. Use (whatever our product is).”
Fade in to: shot of a beautifully groomed young woman standing in an expensively decorated ballroom. Enter from left (because that is the side of the heart) a big man-on-campus, soldier of fortune, man of the world, lover for the ages, red-blooded American, clean-cut, innocent young man, all-rolled-into-one type, sweeps up young girl in manly arms into which she swoons with ecstasy.
This is all cutesy but it reminds me how important representation is. Think about how Russ views the hero and how he sees the hero in himself. I’m so glad the world is changing to include the message that anyone can be the hero:
Whether or not I cried at the ending of Into the Spider-Verse is none of your business.
“And now back to our program…”
Nat King Cole came on Paar’s program and demanded $326, and Paar paid him $6 from his own pocket again, which makes Nat the highest paid performer on the Paar show. Pretty Paar, too, will pay his performers as much as Sullivan does.
Nat King Cole was a trailblazer who died so young, at just 45 in 1965 (of lung cancer). His short-lived variety show, The Nat King Cole Show was the first nationally broadcast TV show hosted by a black person.
My father shot me again this evening. Another 600,000 units of ye olde penicillin.
What’s he on penicillin for? Something to do with his stomach problems? I have no idea. But it might be why he started the letter with the joke about his fans being worried about him. Don’t worry: He lives.
You must give me detailed information regarding the Spring Formal. Things like where, what time, dress for the occasion, etc. etc., I’m planning on going, and I have to tell my date what to expect.
Tomorrow is pay-day. Joy to the world. I have been in the employ of the CTA for 25 working days. I have worked 12 of them, been paid for 15 of them, and have been off for 13 days. Almost like a part-time worker, only one that is earning any money for the last two weeks. Fortunately, my check from the government arrived and will cover my debts. Not much will be left over, unfortunately, though.
You know, it occurred to me that the opening of this letter (consisting of the first page [re: tarring and feathering]), was not a very nice way to open a letter or even fill in the middle. But it’s there and ink is not erasable. Maybe you could blot it out with some black paint or something. Just don’t take it the wrong way. I only believe part of what I wrote there.
What part tho?
The Head Mouseketeer is making toothpaste on the television again. With the little stripes that he loves so much, too. Paar even has weird responses.
I only know “The Head Mouseketeer” as Walt Disney. But did he make toothpaste on The Tonight Show with Jack Paar? Anything is possible.
Frank Lloyd Wright once said that “Skyscrapers are a monument to poor transportation.” Very astute observation on the part of the dear fellow.
ok.
Jack Paar observed that the Italians (in Italy) are the friendliest people in the world toward Americans. They make you feel like just “one of the family.” And no wonder. This country has inadvertently done more for the Italian nationality than for any other including Americans. Apparently, our legal tender works as well as Lire.
Russ is a boomer through and through, isn’t he?
Well this is page 6 and I’m running out of legitimate shapes with which to frame the page numbers without their getting too complicated to draw or being too attractive and drawing attention away from the body of the letter.
Therefore, sweetheart, sweet dreams, sleep tight, and take real good care of yourself. Will see you real soon. Love as ever,
Sambo
Oof, that sign-off always makes me cringe.
Wow, we have learned so much! Russ got a check from the government for some reason. He dropped out of college, maybe? For now? And got a job at the Chicago Transit Authority. And he took a vacation to the Rocky Mountains with his parents but spent it watching Jack Paar and pretending that the John Birch Society are really leftist commies somehow!
And dear Karen continues to be a faithful reader and girlfriend. Bless her steadfastness.
Hold onto your hats because the next letter features a big plot twist.
If you made it this far, SMASH that ❤️ LIKE Button, friends!