Every Friday I send out a real love letter that I’ve transcribed from a stack I bought at the flea market. Missed one? Check the chronological list.
If love letters aren’t your thing, don’t fret. More View-Master and related content is coming soon! Next week, I’ll be doing a dive on the View-Master Science Series!
January 8, 1960
Dearest Kay,
Received your wonderful letter yesterday. Refer to [my previous] letter for my reaction to getting back here. Every day I get more and more annoyed because everyday it looks blacker and blacker and realization of the mess I’ve got becomes clearer and clearer.
Ok, I’ve gone back and forth on this, but I think he’s actually failing classes. Or not making the grades he needs to stay in the program.
But this is a heck of a way to start a letter to my favorite person. You really don’t need a lecture or anything else for wasting Thursday afternoon.
Imagine asking your boyfriend to lecture you for wasting time? Ok, Sure.
A sleepless night is punishment enough. Look at it this way: consider how much better a job you might have done and how much more receptive you might have been to learning the next day had you worked Thursday afternoon while fresh instead of at night when tired. Nuf said?
I have to give it up. Despite everything, he is genuinely kind and positive where she’s concerned. He’s always seeking to lift her up when it sounds like she’s pretty hard on herself, and we already established in an earlier letter that her dad is the mean/distant kind, so these affirmations probably help her.
In order to take advanced courses in the biochemistry curriculum, I’ve got to have a 4.0 all-University average. Happy thought.
That must be the source of his (current) agony, right? He isn’t pulling the grades to make it into the advanced courses he needs for his degree.
Yes and no is the answer regarding your questioning about my pin. — Yes, I’m speaking to you and no I won’t disown you, that is. Losing a pin is not a crime. It’s you, not the pin that counts, sweetheart.
Haha, she lost the pin! But she obviously kept all his letters. So that’s what matters (to me).
Last Thursday I was not fighting the idea of waking up when you saw me. I didn’t start doing that until 11:30 when I got on the bus back to the dorm from the station. Since I’d gone to bed at 3:00 a.m. I was still asleep at 10 to 8.
So, I looked like a little boy? Hmmmm. An amazing change in a few hours. But that’s me. Unpredictable. Changing all the time.
Was he sleeping next to her when he looked like a little boy? Probably! Are all my interests prurient where these letters are concerned? Maybe.
Earlier hours is the advantage of going out in the afternoon. I’ve noticed that parents are really not interested in how early one gets up or how much time a girl and a guy spend together, but just how late they get home.
This is so hilariously true! One of my best friends lost her virginity while hanging out in the morning with her boyfriend. Then she came directly to my house afterward to tell me. It was so early in the day I was still sound asleep in my bed. I woke up to her sitting there whispering, “Hey, Beck? Can we talk?” Ah, to be 18 again! I’m wondering if the same happened here (minus the immediate stop at my house, obviously).
Somewhat illogical, but nonetheless ironclad. Probably due to the odd and somewhat ambiguous “early to bed and early to rise-type” adages popular with the “older” generation.
That noise about visiting you at home before “school days” is the real corker.
I shall dwell in the house of the implications of that sentence forever.
Finals are not that bad. Frankly, I like exams. I dread the end of this semester no matter when it comes from the “scholastic” standpoint, however. I wish the university would close shop for a couple of months so I could recuperate. However, I’ve got to keep up a killing pace right through to finals. Everyday is like a year, both because I can’t see you and because of the work.
Oh, well, that’s college life — a true “multifaceted experience” — a multi-faceted smuck.
What? I don’t know. My experience with college was so different from this that I’m at a loss. I was just drunk a lot and watched movies. I have a degree in film studies. It’s come in real handy over the years. Heh.
But if could be worse. That’s the thing that can always be said for it. It can always get worse — and, of course, it does. Now let’s not get on this track again.
Truly, “it can always get worse” has been my motto for several years now, so this feels apropos.
Right now I’m trying to dissolve powdered milk in a cup of coffee — with little success. Acts like it was afraid to dissolve. Poor little milk crystals. Are you afraid to get your feet wet in hot water? No backbone. Spineless. Of course.
Imagine a milk crystal with a spine.
Maybe they exist. Mine, however, are boneless.
And here we go with this oddball joking/riffing on this idea with an entirely unclear back and forth (don’t be afraid to skip this part):
“Instant Boneless Non-Fat Dry Milk.” I make funny job, eh? No?
So, how are things back at the ranch?
“Get away you voracious milk crystals. Back in the box with you.” Charming heroism. Coming to save their brothers. Do you know if milk crystals can emulsify people?
“Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo roam.” And I won’t eat dinner at that house anymore.
What manner of skullduggery am I up to now you ask.
And in a cloud of dust and a mighty “Hi-Yo Silver*” come the milk crystals again. They resemble unreclaimed paper pulp and they have me surrounded. This may be my last communication with the outside world. (Spoken in sonorous tones, natcherly.)
*On silver spoon, hence —
(cont. on next page —)
Part 2 - “Dehyphated Elsie.”
That was eternally poor.
Oh, no, we’re devolving into poetry again.
’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
—(expletive), this room’s a mess. Of course, any room would be a mess with slithy toves gyring and gimbling in the wabe while borogroves got mimsy and mome raths are outgrabed. (or outgrabing depending on the part of speech outgrabe is) and to top it off, — it’s billig.
He crossed out something I can’t read and wrote:
(Pay no attention to mistakes. It’s the milk crystal’s fault.)
Lewis Carroll must have been like me — loco. Either that or he had the craziest house in history.
I should never have taught you how to play cards.
OOH, but why? We’ll never know because Russ’s letters are basically free-association and often content-free. Like an untalented Virginia Woolf.
Back to our many-footed friends — the milk crystals.
Oh, yes, let’s get back to those.
Jesus Christmas! He WROTE A SCRIPT about them! I hate script fanfic.
Sha-da-da-da-Sha-da-da-da-da (3 sec.)
Stinger (5 sec.)
Fade-in announcers (1 sec.)
Announcer and ?? technician fade out (1 sec.)
Cameramen fake it for 5 min. (5 min.)
Fade-in lecturer (30 sec.)
“And so we come full-cycle again” (2 sec.)
Fade out to new announcer who reads credits for quotes (10 min.)
Commercial (10 min.)
Fade-in lecturer (30 sec)
“ " (1 sec.)
Fade-out lecturer and fade-in announcer (1 min.)
Lose video part of telecast while announcer reads credits for quote (2 min.)
Resume picture for:
“And this brings to a close another edition of our half-hour education program with your adults in mind. Tune in again next week for another inspiring lecture. (18 sec.)
Sha-da-da-da-da-Sha-da-da-da-da (3 sec.)
Total: 30 min, 3 sec.
3 sec. over time — cut 2 sec from first part of lecture and 1 sec from second part.
Well, I seem to have talked myself out. You can return your attention, as much as is necessary, to the letter. I should be more coherent.
Don’t make promises you can’t keep, buddy.
Maybe I should become a philosopher. Russ “Socrates” M—. Quite a handle.
Or I could go “beat.” Russ “Cat” M—. Don’t like that. Besides, I don’t like jazz and “beatniks” are supposed to like jazz.
Shocking that Russ doesn’t like jazz given how improvisational his letters tend to be. Also, I love the idea of beatniks, but I bet they were annoying.
Well, I might as close this letter before I get rambling again, and while I really do want to keep writing, I can’t afford the time. No time for nuthin.’
Remember that I miss you very much, sweetheart. Take good care of yourself and don’t worry too much about finals. You’ve done a good job all year, so finals shouldn’t be any trouble at all.
Especially if a certain Karen K__ does not play pinochle all afternoon.
Karen is more fun than Russ, I bet.
Good night, sweetheart, sweet dreams and don’t work too hard. Miss you much.
Love and kisses, Russ.
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